Everyone’s talking shite. I’m just breathing it in.

Faux Purpose, Real Panic. Moral Masquerade in the Open-Plan.

There’s a certain smell you only notice after enough meetings. It’s not coffee or carpet cleaner — it’s the scent of offices pretending to care. A faint musk of PowerPoint sincerity, moral inflation, and CEOs treating “values” like a new fragrance.

You can smell it before anyone says “purpose-driven.” And aye, it’s bad — but it’s only the beginning.

Empathy misted for brand alignment. Innovation labs soaked in panic. Synergy that smells of resignation letters. Corporate wellness that tastes like burnout.

Once a company starts talking values, something’s already gone off. The trick isn’t avoiding the smell — it’s naming it, breathing through it, and maybe having a wee laugh before the next workshop begins.

Because everything stinks — and at least now, we can call it what it is.

1. “We’re Listening”

The air freshener of corporate comms.

Sprayed liberally after they’ve ignored you for six months.

It smells like empathy gone off — sweet at first, sour in the middle, and gone by Monday.

2. Vanilla Diversity

Safe, flavourless, melts instantly.

You can almost taste the PowerPoint template.

A dozen photos of “diverse teams” shot in the same corridor by the same agency intern.

3. Greenwashing with Notes of Citrus

Fresh. Bright. Deceptive.

They’ve “offset” the emissions from flying the board to Davos by planting two ferns and a hashtag.

Smells like guilt in biodegradable packaging.

4. The Musk of Agile

Supposed to be light and flexible. Instead, it’s the smell of people trapped in a “stand-up” that’s been sitting down for 47 minutes.

Every “sprint” ends with a limp and a PowerPoint deck called Lessons Learned.

5. Empathy Eau de CEO

Top notes of “family values.” Base notes of redundancy consultation.

He’s not crying, he’s just misting the room with sincerity for brand alignment.

6. Authenticity™ – The Synthetic Kind

Sold in expensive bottles, worn by every influencer who says “just being real.”

You’ll know it by the faint whiff of self-promotion wrapped in self-awareness.

7. Innovation Labs

Imagine a room full of beanbags and broken dreams.

The air smells of post-its, panic, and someone shouting “Let’s ideate!” over a stale croissant.

No one’s innovating. They’re decorating failure with optimism.

8. Synergy — Nature’s Decomposition

The smell of corporate decay disguised as collaboration.

Comes alive during “cross-functional workshops” where everyone pretends to care equally.

By Friday, it smells like resignation letters and bad pastries.

9. Purpose-Driven Leadership

You’ll know it instantly — smells of cologne, consultancy decks, and last-minute moral awakening.

Always launched after a scandal, usually involving layoffs or the planet.

10. Corporate Wellness

Calming lavender up front, pure burnout underneath.

There’s a yoga session in the break room while the finance team quietly dissolves into spreadsheets.

Smells like “mindfulness,” tastes like panic.

I’ve worked in enough offices to know — once a company starts talking values, something’s already gone off.

The trick isn’t avoiding the smell. It’s naming it, breathing through it, and maybe having a wee laugh before the next workshop begins.

Because aye, everything stinks — but at least we can call it what it is.

— Tom Kite.